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Every home should have a Laboratoire Barmier Daintification Assistant

newburytoday’s favourite madcap sculptor/inventor Nigel Williams has done it again...

From his studio situated between Newbury and Hungerford comes a new piece to be shown for the first time in the Gloucestershire Guild of Craftsmen exhibition at Tetbury Market House in June.

He said: “After last year’s attempts to improve the look of the elderly Edwardian gentleman (and especially ex-US presidents), I thought it was time to do something for the ladies,”

The result is the Laboratoire Barmier Daintification Assistant.

Nigel Williams, Barmier
Nigel Williams, Barmier

Having put so much effort into creating something for the vain older man (the Trumpfentopper Self-generating Toupée Machine), it seemed only fair to Nigel to devise a device intended to make life easier for the Edwardian *lady*!

“If you’re tired of waiting around while your lady’s maid fiddles and fusses around applying your cosmetics and other facial treatments, this is the device for you.

“With nine different colours to select from, you can choose to treat your eyes, nose, mouth or entire face outline – separately or all together.

“And all with a couple of stabs on the pump. Simple and fast!

“And the best bit? You will save a bundle of money, because you won’t need to employ that lady’s maid any longer.

“It’s designed to be placed on the front edge of your dressing-table, with the face-pipes carefully dimensioned and positioned so that when you sit in front of it, everything fits – even the nose portion is made ‘back-to-front"’ (ie facing away from you) so you can fit straight in.

The method of operation is as follows:

First, move the pointer at the front until it is directed at the bottle containing your chosen colour

Nigel Williams, Barmier
Nigel Williams, Barmier

Secondly, select whether you want to treat face-surround, eyes, nose, mouth or any combination by lifting the appropriate valve levers mounted on each pipe

Nigel Williams, Barmier
Nigel Williams, Barmier

Then, place your face close-up (nose in the slot!), and a couple of quick dabs on the pump should do the job

“Those ludicrously arrogant and absurd names chosen by some cosmetics companies in an attempt to big up and sell more of their horrendously over-priced products have always annoyed me – so now I’m getting my own back!

“This piece was inspired by a Photographic Colour Touch-Up Outfit from Boots the Chemists, probably dating from the 1940s or 50s (not Edwardian at all), the nine cute little glass bottles of which, with their colour-stained corks and dried-up tints, were crying out to be put to further use. I have retained the colour descriptions on my new labels (wholly unsuitable for [realistic] face-painting).”

Materials: Brass, copper, hearth-brush cover, corked glass bottles, brass syringe, trivet legs.

Visit http://www.orlogikstudio.com/060-2402scuBarmier.shtml to lift your spirits with more of Nigel’s eccentric inventions.

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